How to Get Away with Murder: A Guide to the Gay Panic Defense
Getting away with murder when investigators are using advanced forensic science such as DNA testing isn’t easy these days, but where there’s a will, there’s a way – as they say. Because murder is not as big of a sin against God as being gay (so it seems), we’ve prepared the following guide which will assist you in carrying out a murder – and getting away with it. The guide was prepared after a careful analysis of several cases wherein the “Gay Panic” defense was used. Those cases will be discussed at the end of this guide.
Step 1. Be a heterosexual male.
This is the most important aspect of carrying out the remaining stages. If you are not a heterosexual male, you can attend some sort of conversion therapy, declare yourself heterosexual, find a woman to be your girlfriend and then continue to step 2. If you are not a male, gender reassignment will be required before moving on to Step 2.
Step 2. Choose your victim.
When choosing a victim, it’s much easier if they are a confirmed homosexual; however, there really is no requirement that the person you murder be homosexual. If they are, it will make the defense of the matter much easier on you. If they are not homosexual, you must first set it up to show that they “secretly” were homosexual (i.e. photograph of them in a public restroom with a senator/minister). Once you have completed this step, proceed to step 3.
Step 3. Take the victim somewhere private.
In recent cases, the private place has been the victim’s home. This is optimal as, in later steps, you can say you were lured to their place. It is not recommended that you take the victim to your own house as you will have to substantiate why you took a gay person home with you. Should you have no other choice but to use your own home, have a ready excuse like: We stopped by to pick up my fishing rod. Make sure your excuse is innocuous and has no gay undertones.
Step 4. Murder the victim.
You may think that murdering your victim with a gun will be the cleanest way to do it, but this is sure to get you thrown into prison. Instead, you must murder them violently. In recent cases which were successful, stabbing or bludgeoning have lead to acquittals or reduced charges. Therefore, murder your victim in a gruesome and violent manner.
Step 5. Rush to your girlfriend’s place.
If your girlfriend is a pretend girlfriend as discussed above, this step will be easier on you emotionally. If it’s your real girlfriend, you may feel a little guilty, but a murder has to do what a murderer has to do. When you get to her house, bang on the door. As soon as she opens the door, grab her and kiss her as passionately as possible. Stop and immediately fall to the ground screaming about a man who lured you to his apartment under false pretenses and then made sexual advances toward you. Once she is clear on that point, in spite of your near senseless babbling, say, “I killed him… oh my god, I killed him. I snapped when he tried to touch me.” At this point, your girlfriend should call the police. Depending on how much she loves you and whether or not she is a decent person, you may have to coax her a bit into calling the police, but don’t make it obvious.
Step 6. The police.
Don’t talk to the police. You have a right to remain silent. Your girlfriend will tell them what you said, but it’s important that you not say a word to them – rely on your attorney.
Step 7. Go to jail.
Don’t worry though, you won’t be there forever – just until trial. Prosecutors may attempt to plea you out, but don’t fret – no jury would send a man to his death for murdering a “faggot.” Use that word a lot to your lawyer. Say things like, “That faggot tried to rape me.”
Step 8. Trial.
You are now relying on your lawyer. Sit back and look as straight as possible. Try to be “normal” in the eyes of the jury. It’s important that they see you as a healthy, normal straight man that couldn’t take the disgusting idea that a man would make a pass at you.
Step 9. Jury verdict.
You don’t have much control over this, but if history is any indicator, you have nothing to worry about. In fact, you’ll likely even get a full acquittal assuming your lawyer used phrases like, “family man” and “normal society” often enough.
Recent cases in review.
In this case, the murderer flawed – he did not rush over to his girlfriend’s house and declare his masculinity threatened prior to the arrest. Therefore, he was not fully acquitted. Instead, jurors found he was “not guilty” of murder, but guilty of “manslaughter.”
This guy did it right. Jospeh Biedermann went to a bar and got extraordinarily drunk. So drunk, in fact, that the bar refused to serve him any more liquor. A neighbor, Terrance Michael Hauser, who Biedermann alleges he never met, invited Biedermann over to his place for drinks. While there, Biedermann stabbed Terrance 61 times, resulting in Terrance’s death. Biedermann stuck to the rules above and, in spite of the fact that it cannot be disputed that he killed Terrance, a jury acquitted him. Why? He was straight, the victim was gay and he declared Terrance made sexual advances toward him. He also went to his girlfriend’s house, dripping with Terrance’s blood. There was so much blood, in fact, that his girlfriend brought bowls out in which Joseph was to place his clothes to prevent dripping.
Results such as those achieved by Biedermann are atypical. In most cases, persons do get charged with something; however, the reduced charge is a slap on the wrist compared to a murder charge. In another recent case, Robert Lee Hanna was indicted by the grand jury for a misdemeanor offense of assault after murdering 17 year old, Tony Randolph Hunter. Hanna entered a plea of not guilty and advised he only hit Tony after Tony grabbed his buttock and crotch – thus, Hanna obviously was justified in the murder.
The Gay Panic Defense.
The Gay Panic defense was popularized in 1995 after Jonathan Schmitz, a guest on the Jenny Jones show, murdered Scott Amedure, who confessed he had a crush on Schmitz during the show. Jonathan was not successful in the defense because there was no immediate response. This means Jonathan should have immediately murdered Scott to get off on the murder charges, instead he waited three days.
While the Gay Panic defense has a remarkable success rate, the results of using this guide are not guarenteed. Further, this guide is not intended to encourage you to murder people. Murder is bad, no matter why. This guide is merely intended to instruct you on how to get away with murder, not to instruct you to murder. It is intended as a satirical piece illustrating the effects of a corrupt and immoral justice system which, although purportedly blind, sees sexual orientation as a motive – an important note considering those against Hate Crimes Legislation argue that it criminalizes thought and is based upon motive. It’s sad that I feel obligated to say that this is satire – I do so because history has shown us that this sort of action does result in reduced charges or acquittals – meaning that people actually do this!!! We are shameful when we award murder and penalize love.