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Susan Parker joined me last night on Closet Talk to discuss her new book, Walking in the Deep End, a memoir.  Parker is a passionate advocate for the needs of people suffering from depression and eating disorders and confronts these often taboo subjects head on in her memoir.

We discussed Parker’s growing up in an evangelical family, her bulimia, coping with the suicides of family members and dealing with depression, Susan’s early homophobia (which resulted in unkindness toward her friends who would come out to her), and how, after discovering she wasn’t a zero on the Kinsey scale of sexual orientation, her relationships with those people changed.

Before you start reading below, I would like to caveat this.  While I’m frustrated and angry with the “Human Rights Campaign” for disregarding “We the People,” I acknowledge that they do very important work.  Indirect action matters as much as direct action, but frankly, I can’t afford to go to HRC events.

This morning, I received another request for funds from the HRC.  The email had no less than three direct links to give them money and several to a video about what their $200,000.00 would accomplish.  Now, I’ve kept my hands clean of the HRC issue, but now I have to admit they’ve gone too far.

You may recall that the HRC provided little or no support of the march up until the final few days before.  While “officially” they were mildly supportive of the effort, the elite HRC folks in confidential message boards called the march things like a “shit storm” and declared that we the people could not possibly effectively lobby congress.  They said no one would come to the march.  They said our resources are better spent in Maine and Washington.  They said a lot of things except, “Come one, come all and we will win this fight together.”  Now, they expect me to write them a check.

They also claimed that we need to fight these battles on a state by state basis – yet now they ask for money for their federal campaign?

As a counter-proposal to sending your check to the HRC via this email, please consider donating money to the No on 1 campaign in Maine or Refrendum 71 in Washington.  These groups could really use your help.

As to the HRC – I do hope the next email from them says something like, “Momentum is building and we need your help.  We need you to step forward in your area and build a stronger more united presence.  We have to keep fighting at all levels – city, state and federal.  In that spirit, we are hosting a series of workshops in communities across the U.S. to help build a stronger force to oppose the oppressors and fight back against bigotry.”  Of course, I’m spitting in the wind.

Here is the email – all links have been removed:

After this weekend, we have a burst of momentum.

But without a major advocacy push now, it could be lost.

Watch this video and help us raise $200,000 to capitalize on this moment.

Click here to watch the video!

This weekend was big.

From President Obama’s speech at our National Dinner to final House passage of hate crimes to the National Equality March, the nation’s attention is on LGBT equality – we have a burst of momentum.

But this is no time to grow complacent. We need your help to capitalize on this moment. [emphasis added]

The next month and a half will be tough – while we fight against anti-LGBT ballot initiatives in multiple states, we must also act NOW to push our federal agenda to its tipping point, or we could miss this window.

We need to raise $200,000 for a renewed effort to seize this opportunity and advance our federal agenda and fight for marriage equality in the states without delay. Will you be part of this fight?

We’ve created a video that shows how your support helps us cut through the lies.

Watch the video and help us raise $200,000 by October 26 to make sure a signed hate crimes law is just the first victory we seize this fall.

We’ll have to be strategic to build on our momentum. It won’t last forever. Because the signs of our opposition are all around:

• Right-wing groups up in arms over President Obama’s speech, declaring that he “used the bully pulpit tonight to defy the Creator” and supports “radical social policies,” while demanding that he meet with “ex-gays” at the White House.
• Anti-LGBT groups behind a Prop. 8-style initiative in Maine blanketing the airwaves with the same fear-mongering ads they used in California, including their claim that same-sex marriage would be “pushed on students.”
• The new President of the UN General Assembly – which is charged with protecting rights and safety around the world – calling homosexuality “totally unacceptable.”

A workshop at a right-wing conference in St. Louis – “How to Counter the Homosexual Extremist Movement” – on how to be less “nice” in fighting against gay rights.

We’re fighting back. With your support right now, our first step is to get the hate crimes bill signed into law; then we’ll make it illegal to fire and harass LGBT employees once and for all with an inclusive Employment Non-Discrimination Act and an end to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

These vital protections – and the millions more LGBT people who will be able to come out because of them – will lay the foundation for the toughest Congressional battle: repealing the Defense of Marriage Act.

I know exactly what it is that will allow us to win these battles. I saw it in the crowd at our dinner. I see it in the hundreds of volunteers who have met with Congress members through our No Excuses campaign. And it was in every face at the National Equality March.

It’s determination. Plain and simple and unrelenting.

Please give as generously as you can today – help us pass the life-changing bills before Congress and win multiple state-level challenges.

Thank you for being part of this historic fight with us.

Joe Solmonese
President

Perhaps I’m stretching a bit, but there was a moment at the National Equality March that I will never forget. Perhaps I’ve made it more profound than it may have really been, but I feel the need to share it.  When Lt. Dan Choi, the U.S. soldier and Arabic linguist discharged under the military’s don’t ask, don’t tell policy, took to the stage to speak to the crowd, his mouth was symbolically duct taped closed.  He stood there for a moment, saluting the marchers before tearing the duct tape from his mouth and beginning his speech.  It was a moment of dramatic flare that spoke volumes.  Lt. Choi would not be silent:

As you’ll note, the video above was taken by CSPAN.  I just happened to be stationed right next to a CSPAN cameraman.  A couple of hours into the rally, the platform he was standing on broke and he came tumbling down.  Thankfully, he was not injured, but without the platform, he would be unable to properly direct the camera and capture the shots like those you see in the above video.

After examination of the platform, it was discovered that the locking hinge on one leg had broken.  A volunteer near by, a kindly lady that kept saying to the jaysays.com team, “Don’t rush the stage,” had the solution.  She grabbed a roll of the nearby duct tape and wrapped the hinge over and over, fixing the cameraman’s perch.

I found the moment very metaphoric.  Lt. Dan Choi used the duct tape as a symbol of silence; however, this volunteer used it to repair the cameraman’s platform and thus, make our voices heard.

I wanted to share some of my photographs from the National Equality March this weekend. I hope you enjoy them.  I met some fantastic people and had a wonderful dinner at The District Chophouse with Genia Stevens, Andrea, Lester Leavitt, Mickey, Jonathon, Jae, Elisa, and, of course, our very own, Jude.

We had a bit of time to just kick back and get to know each other in person on Saturday night, but Sunday came at us fast and there was a lot of work to be done.

The speakers were fabulous and a lot of memories were made.  Over the next few weeks, I will be sharing stories of those I met with video and photographs.  In the meantime, I hope you enjoy these photographs.  More photographs and videos from myself and the other iQreporters are available at http://iQreport.usfreedomring.com.

[picasa width="400" height="400" autoplay="0" showcaption="1"]http://picasaweb.google.com/jaysaysdotcom/NationalEqualityMarch[/picasa]

From Jude: As part of our Heroes Project, I am delighted to introduce Dr. Stephen Erich, Ph.D. and researcher on adoptive families with gay and lesbian parents. Dr. Erich was kind enough to provide us with the latest research in this area. For those of you with more interest, The Journal of Adoption Quarterly has a special issue coming out this winter on gay families and adoption.

First of all, thank you Jude for giving me the opportunity to talk about a social issue that is very important to me. I have been doing research and speaking about adoptive families with gay and lesbian parents since 2002. As, no doubt many of you know, there has been an abundance of research on families with gay and lesbian parents whose children emerged from previous heterosexual relationships or who were planned through donor insemination. The 20+ years of research on these families is uniformly positive and has certainly influenced the emergence of research on adoptive families.

While research regarding lesbian/gay adoptive families is a relatively new phenomenon, there have been important contributions to our knowledge base in the last few years. I have summarized a few of these studies in the following paragraphs. In 2001, Van Voorhis and Wagner (2001) conducted a content analysis of a dozen prominent social work journals covering a 12 year period and reported that there were no articles dealing with lesbian and gay individuals or couples as adoptive or foster parents. Shortly, thereafter, Ryan and Cash (2004) published a study with gay and lesbian parents that included 183 families and found the parents were able to attain high levels of social support despite the presence of institutionalized discrimination throughout society.  In 2007, Ryan re-examined the data from their original study and found these parents had sufficient parenting skills leading the author to conclude that the adopted children in this study were being raised in healthy family environments.

Erich, Leung, Kindle, and Carter (2005) assessed adoptive family functioning, adopted child behavior and support networks in lesbian/gay families and reported that the forty-three adoptive families in their study scored within the normal to high ranges on a measure of family functioning. The results also indicate these families were able to develop effective support networks and that their adopted children’s behaviors were typical of any family. In a subsequent analysis, that compared the previous sample of lesbian/gay adoptive parents to a similar sample of heterosexual adoptive parents, the results included no statistically significant differences in adoptive family functioning, support networks, and adopted child’s behavior (Erich, Leung, & Kindle, 2005). In still another analysis involving the original group of adoptive families with lesbian and gay parents and two other groups of adoptive families, sexual orientation of the adoptive parent was not a significant predictor of the quality of family functioning. However, lesbian/gay parents who adopted older children, did exhibit better family functioning when compared to their heterosexual counterparts (Leung, Erich, & Kanenberg, 2005).  All three of these analyses involved adoptive families with children whose average age was between 6 and 9.

Erich, Kanenberg, Case, Allen, and Bogdanos (2008) rectified this limitation by studying adopted adolescent attachment to their adoptive parents with a sample made up of lesbian/gay and heterosexual adoptive parents and their children. The key finding from this study was that no group differences were found regarding level of adolescent attachment to parents by parent sexual orientation. It is important to note that all research has one or more limitations and the ones mentioned above are no different. However, do not be dismayed by this reality of research with humans, the sheer volume of studies that support the practice of adoption by gay and lesbian parents represents a strong foundation for accepting the viability of this practice. Within the past year or two, several more articles and books have been written that are expected to be published in the near future.  These new publications will document new research and synthesize these findings with existing research-so keep an eye out for it.

The result of this research has likely encouraged a relatively ongoing and positive change in public attitudes, agency practices and policies along with changes in state marriage or civil union laws regarding people with a same sex sexual orientation. For instance, a recent study by Brodzinsky and colleagues found that approximately 60% of adoption agencies in the U.S. are willing to accept applications from gay and lesbian parents or couples. Additionally, a few states have recently decided to legally recognize gay and lesbian couple relationships which ultimately benefit the children of these couples.

All in all, much progress has been made. But more still needs to be done. Much of this research has not been yet been discussed in mainstream media venues which may help more people to reconsider their belief systems.

Stephen “Arch” Erich, Ph.D., LCSW

October 11th is Coming Out Day. I can’t help but wonder what it is that prompts a gay person to come out. Especially in a place like a workplace, where your very livelihood is at stake. As a straight person, I can only imagine and I would never have the audacity to say this is something I know or feel. In last week’s Closet Talk interview with Jen Dugan, of the 1^st Annual Nationwide You Are Loved Chalk Messages Project, Jen told her own coming out story and how surprised she was at the support. Many individuals told her that had they known, they would have supported her. She used the words “It goes unsaid.”

I wrote those words down. I know that for me and many straight friends, support goes unsaid. So why does it go unsaid and how can we say it? Perhaps more importantly, I would love to hear from LGBT folks what clues you look for to know that it is safe to come out to someone? A recent study showed that only 27% of LGBT people are completely out at work, even in companies with anti-discrimination policies.

Back on topic. We straight people, who support equality, have been trained not to ask; not by don’t ask, don’t tell.  We feel like it is a matter of respecting someone’s privacy.  You worry that all we will see is your sexual orientation or gender identity. We worry that you will think that is all we see.

So what are some ways that you can show your own values? If you think of it this way, it’s easier to see what you can do. Because then you are just being yourself.

If you hear remarks that are negative toward LGBT people, speak up. It could be in private or during the conversation. It can be as simple as “I didn’t think that was nice/funny/appropriate.” If it’s a good person that you feel is just naive, do it privately and let them know you are sure they are not the kind of person who would want to hurt someone. I grew up in an environment where people told racist and ethnic based jokes. I didn’t realize how hurtful those comments could be until someone told me.

If you have gay family or friends, talk about them in the same ways that you would a straight friend or couple. You don’t have to focus on the gay part. Focus on who they are as people. Most of the gay friends I have feel like being gay is not the most important thing that you should know about them.

Never hear anything negative and you don’t have gay friends? Do you like a gay musician or actor? Did you like Will and Grace?  Glee?  Modern Family? Do you go to a gay-affirming church? All of these will reveal something about your values.

I have an HRC equality sign visible in my cubicle. LGBT people recognize it immediately, yet most straight people are not familiar with it. When people ask me, I tell them what it means. I find that if I let someone know my values, they either show their support or simply move on. No one has picked a fight with me yet.

Last, but not least, if you are LGBT, just be yourself. You don’t need to be an activist. In fact, just being yourself is the best thing that you can do for yourself and the LGBT movement. Because when others see you as a real person who just happens to be gay, that is when they are the most supportive. 83% of people who know a gay person as family or friend are supportive of equal rights. There is  a message in that statistic for straight people who don’t know anyone gay.

geekgirl: Jude is a straight woman, a mom and has been married for 32 years to the same wonderful man. She believes in Buddhism and attends the United Church of Christ. She is a molecular biologist, her best friend is a lesbian, and she believes that every human deserves equal rights, respect and a life free from hate, fear and discrimination. The only thing she hates is pickles. Her science blog can be found at LGBT Latest Science.

As part of our Heroes project for October’s LGBT History Month, we are delighted that Frank Voci accepted our invitation to write a blog about why he started White Knot for Equality. You might remember seeing actors from the movie Milk wearing white knots at the Academy Awards.  If you are attending the National Equality March, we encourage you to wear a White Knot not only for yourself but also for others who could not attend. And make a few extra knots to hand out and make new friends. Why knot?

White Knot Marches for Equality

By: Frank Voci

The National Equality March on October 11 has been a short-time in planning, but a long-time coming.  Much like my own involvement in the new Equal Rights Movement.

I had always been a donor, but never an activist.  Who had the time?!

But when Prop 8 in California passed, my activist gene was activated. I needed to do something, so I started what has become a national awareness campaign called White Knot for Equality After noticing the post-election street protests dying down, I realized we needed a way to keep the conversation going in our homes, work, places of worship, schools.  I wanted to create an easy, universal way of staying visible in everyday life.  Ribbon campaigns are nothing new, and as I searched for an easy to make symbol that was unique, I happened to tie a piece of ribbon in a knot.  It clicked.  Everyone should be able to tie the knot.

That simple act–making and wearing a White Knot–quickly became for many others who had never been active a way of instantly organizing to fight for equality. Every day I see the power of visibility, the importance of speaking out, and the value of organizing. And that’s why I am marching in Washington DC and urging the thousands of White Knot wearers across the country to join me.

The National Equality March will be an incredibly visible event that will reach millions through the media coverage. But more importantly, the March is the launching pad for the next stage of grassroots organizing that will with everyone’s great effort unite our individual and state-centric struggles in a single powerful movement for full equality. What do we want?  Equal protection under the law in all matters governed by civil law in all fifty states. This is more than a philosophy.  It’s a demand.  And there is a tremendous amount of work to be done to achieve it.

That work is being done right now. Groups around the country have started organizing in all 435 Congressional Districts. We will win equality by demanding it directly of our lawmakers.  LGBT people and our allies are already working together for the common goal of complete equality. This is why the March is so important. It is the impetus to set up a powerful network of local organizers.  As Cleve Jones has said, we will think Federally, but act locally.

How can you be a part of this? If you can, organize groups to travel to DC for the March.  At home, start organizing in your local community or look for organizations that already exist, many of which have set up Facebook Pages.

And of course, you can wear a White Knot to the March and wherever you go in your community to show your support for equality and hopefully spark some conversation.

White Knot for Equality is a non-profit organization devoted to fighting for marriage equality and overall equality for LGBT people. The White Knot symbol has quickly become the symbol for marriage equality and can be found in more than 1300 cities around the world (all 50 states and 25 other countries). Our goal is to create conversations that need to happen to change hearts and minds.

Watch the current Yes on 1 ads in Maine and you’ll see some familiar faces. Yes, right there on your TV screen you’ll see Robb and Robin Wirthlin bemoaning the fact that their child’s teacher read the book King & King to the class. Why do they look familiar? It’s exactly the same footage used in the Yes on 8 campaign spots from California last year.

But this isn’t the first, or the second time the opposition has used essentially this same ad. Back in 1998, the first time marriage equality was put to a vote in the US, the opposition ran essentially the same commercial in Hawaii.

“In each, according to our opposition, a young child is hurt or damaged when exposed to a book that depicts a gay couple as happy and healthy.  This message – ‘your kids are in danger’ — is a lie designed to frighten and polarize voters, including but not limited to young parents of young children.  This misinformation is what our opposition relied on as far back as Anita Bryant’s 1977 ‘Save the Children’ campaign, and they’re using it again in Maine this year,” according to David Fleischer, media analyst and Lead Organizer of the LGBT Mentoring Project in New York.

In Maine, you’ll also see a school teacher promising that homosexuality will be taught in public school and a law professor promising “a flood of lawsuits.” Meanwhile there is a casting call for a ‘Yes on 1’ commercial looking for a “working waitress type” and a “teacher type,” according to a recent article in the Portland Press Herald/Maine Sunday Telegram. Sound familiar?

What may not sound familiar is the reaction these tactics are garnering in Maine. In his October 2^nd Real Mainers step up for ‘No on 1’ ads,  Bill Nemitz calls out the opposition for its subterfuge.  He begins with pointing out that the handsome traditional family featured on the Stand for Marriage Maine website is actually clip art and calmly and systematically picks apart the spokespeople for the Yes on 1 campaign as not what they purport to be.

There’s the law professor who opines that “Maine’s same sex marriage law would produce a ‘flood of lawsuits’ and lead to mandatory teaching of homosexual marriage in Maine schools.” Turns out he’s not licensed to practice law in Maine and has never lived there.

There is the Maine school teacher who not only does not teach in the public schools, but is the “President of the Maine chapter of Concerned Women for America – a faith-based organization whose mission is ‘to protect and promote Biblical values among all citizens – first through prayer, then education, and finally by influencing our society – thereby reversing the decline in moral values in our nation.’”

And then there are the Wirthlins, not from Maine and appearing in a ‘recycled’ commercial.

In contrast, Nemitz offers, “the anti-repeal ‘No on 1’ campaign overflows with real Mainers who are willing – no make that eager – to go public in their support of equal marriage rights for gay and lesbian couples.” He then equally systematically provides the bona fides for the REAL Mainers who appear in the No on 1 commercials. And, since he knows several of them personally, those are bona fides that the reader can trust.

Ask the people of Massachusetts, with the lowest divorce rate in the nation, and they’ll tell you same sex marriage hasn’t harmed ‘traditional marriage’ or turned their kids gay. “We have it. It’s been happening. The sky’s not falling,” according to Dr. Russell Mayer, the Director of the Center for Public Opinion Research at Merrimack College. Or ask the people of Iowa, where a recent poll conducted by the Des Moines Register finds that 92% of Iowans believe that “gay marriage has brought no real change to their lives.”

Soon, the people of Maine will weigh in on the question of marriage equality. I’m putting my faith in the real Mainers who have spoken out for their friends, family, and neighbors. Thank you Maine, for showing the rest of us how to expose the distortions and fear tactics of those opposed to equal rights for the LGBT community. I love Maine!

Jane Wishon, is a straight, married, Christian, mother-of-three who has been married 33 years. She actively campaigned for No on 8, and is no a member of the Interim Admin Group of Restore Equality 2010, the movement to repeal what she calls a “blight” on her state of California. Jane has started a cause for straight allies that can be found on Facebook: straight Ally Women 4 Equality – AWE. Jane also volunteers for AIDS Project LA, and twitters @janewishon.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (NV) has been busy lately fighting for social justice, health care reform and the rights and promotion of a peaceful society.  In a September 30, 2009 letter to Derek Washington, Director of Diversity Outreach for the National Equality March, Senator Reid states:

I will continue to work tirelessly to pass the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Act and the Employee Non-Discrimination Act, as well as to repeal the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy. I will also continue to advocate for funding of HIV/AIDS prevention, treatment, research, and housing programs.

His letter goes on to state:

I believe that every American should be treated equally under the law regardless of religion, sexual orientation, gender, race, or other forms of identity. I see your struggle for equality as part of a larger movement for peace and social justice.

Harry Reid has really stepped up to the plate as a “fierce advocate” for social justice and is truly filling the shoes once worn by Ted Kennedy.  Please be sure to let Sen. Reid know how much we appreciate his work and offer your support as he battles for the rights of all Americans.

Recently, District Judge Tena Callahan ruled that Texas’ courts do have jurisdiction to hear a suit for divorce filed by a same-sex couple married outside of the state.  The problem arose because over 3/4′s of voters in Texas (the state that ranked 39th that same year in education), agreed with a ban on same-sex marriage. – but no one ever voted on same-sex divorce.

Of course, even the granting of a divorce has (perhaps oddly) infuriated those opposed to gay marriage.  This outrage over the granting of a divorce directly contradicts those opposed to gay marriage.  For example, the opposition to same-sex marriage claims that they are trying to protect the sanctity of marriage not discriminating against a group of people. For them, they claim that it is not about us being “gay,” but instead about the institution of marriage.  However, the comments from their side seem to indicate that it is very much about discriminating against same-sex couples.

It’s interesting to note that we gays are now not only trying to redefine marriage, but trying to redefine divorce – is divorce part of “traditional family values” and a “moral necessity” as they claim marriage between only opposite sex couples to be?”

One particular comment caught my fancy”

If you don’t want to be married anymore [then] go to “that state” that allowed the marriage and file for divorce. If they won’t grant the divorce then just abide by the state rules where you reside – meaning if it is Texas then you are not married. -via Dallas judge clears way for gay divorce.

I wonder if we were to apply that reasoning to heterosexual couples how long it would take for them to be outraged.  Divorces, heterosexual or not, are expensive and time consuming, add the expense of having to travel across country, establish residency to meet jurisdictional requirements (when applicable by state law) or travel back and forth to attend court hearings and you have the perfect brew for a massive heterosexual marriage rights movement.

This outrage makes it painfully obvious that those opposed to the granting of the divorce aren’t really concerned with the sanctity of marriage like they claim, but instead they don’t like gay people and must prevent them from having the same conveniences they allow for themselves.

NOTE: For more of the column, Stupid Things People Say About Gays, click here.